INSPIRED MANIA

Saturday, December 5, 2009

I can choose to be unhappy. I have a chose to take charge on my destiny, rather than let it pass me by. I have a choice to mope, to complain, to take things personally, but in the end... it does me no good.

So what if I’ve gone on a long line of really bad dates (the last one I now know I unconsciously sabotaged), I’m not ready and I have to learn from those mistakes. Why would I want to start a relationship with someone that won’t work? The only things I need to change are things I don’t personally like about myself, not what others think.

I know that for some this attitude comes easily to them, but this is my journey, and I now know that it’s up to me to make it hard or make it go easily. So as of right now, December 5, 2009 – whatever time it is – I say this: I’m ready to make my mark, to be the person I want to be and to finally be happy, from my very core right to the tips of my hair, fingers, and toes.

Friday, December 4, 2009

THE WIDOW'S KISS

Capture the light,
In a spider's vein,
Hidden corners where we can find,
Fate's ribbons that intertwine
Pleasures caught through Eros' bow
Manipulated destinies that we create
Binding the cherished with the sick
Held captive in the widow's kiss

CAN'T GO BACK

Make me mad,
Make me hate,
For each new cut will bring me pain
I can run,
I could pretend,
But everything I see reminds me of you
Addicted to love,
The person you were,
Could be,
Can't be,
Never with me


I don't know why but I can't stop laughing after writing that. It's so true on so many levels that oddly enough it brings me a little comfort. Today just ultimately sucked. Or yesterday... THURSDAY. Hahaha. I guess I'm happy that I'm writing poems again, even if it comes from a not so great place. Eh, ebb and flow, baby, ebb and flow.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Is it December? The crisp air penetrates my jacket and adds clarity to the morning, calming my heart. Perhaps it is knowing others I look up to have gone through this. I can say with confidence, I am not alone. No longer do I feel as if I am falling into a world distorted by anxiety and consumed by a frosted inferno. What I' think I can take from the past month is that I no longer can live in the past. It does me no good to replay something you cannot re-live. Yes, we smile on the happy memories, but really, the bad parts needn't be reminisced.

I feel a fierce determination to set things right this time. Accomplish what I need to, achieve my goals. There are certain things that I feel compelled to see through to the end; no short-cuts, no self criticism. Shit happens, we have to pick ourselves up eventually.

This is my turn.

Monday, November 30, 3009

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Banter filled with shattered glass,
Caresses the beast's reflection
Matted fur glimmers under Hecate's moon,
A siren's call to all who wander
Caged inferno blazes on,
While wilted certainty shifts to a decaying spirit
Scars from distant past,
Flushed red with new diseases
Spreading fast inside a fractured soul,
Sealed graves burst with my arrival

Saturday, November 28, 2009

As November comes to a close (not quite, but still), I can't help but be hopeful for the joys of December that await. I've always loved Christmas time and this year it seems it will be quite eventful! The lights are already up and I'll be visiting my dear friend Mell Bell after Christmas for about three days and Christmas Eve spending it with the extended fams. By the new year I should be able to do the big reveal? I don't know, nothing's certain on that point, but I'm happy.

Even though I recognize I'm smack dab in the middle of a super depression that I haven't seen since high school, I know things will get better. I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces and my chest is a vast crevasse, but I'm not completely immobile. I find great enjoyment at work, my kitties keep me company, and what trumps it all is that I have friends who care. I mean hell, I had one of my friends who I didn't think he was possible of what he did for me last night. Deeply endearing to say the least.

On one hand I've been coming to some deep understandings of the goings-on in my life, and on the other... well, just read the poetry and you'll find it's slow goings at this point. I'm moving forward, but with about ten tons of emotional baggage attached with me that I would be glad to unload yesterday. It doesn't work like that, and it's a continuous process, but boy is it exhausting.